May 2010
I want a hug.
April 2010
happy 15th birthday Allie.
love you.
Mom.
after my crappy attempt to hide, she finally made an effort to find me and get me to meet up…
Fuckin’ A.
Who knows how this’ll turn out.
1 tag
What do you think of Dragons? How about Narwhals?...
Dragons are cool, I guess, but they aren’t real. Narwhals are actually one of my favorite animals. Unicorns are mythical too, but I think if I had one, that’d be kinda wierd. Penguins are overrated, but still cool. I wish I had one.
Call out for answers, and I shall deliver.
us.
You’re a dead movie star and I’m a simple fly.
you’ve got pig stains on your shirt slaughter a man’s laughter for a laughing man it’s not nearly worthless
—-
maybe I’ll finish this later.
why do people who smoke weed feel proud about smoking weed?
i'm proud of myself
dude, I just remembered.
This whole past week of homelessness, I didn’t cut that whole time, which is surprising cuz it was terrible. but I don’t feel like it was a big deal anymore for some reason.
(iwishyouwerehere)
I Can't Wake Up
sunshine.
What happened to late night discussions on speed? What happened to the compassion you promised? I wish you loved me once, just once. You teased us both. What happened to open arms? The multipaged letters we wrote? I still have the one you gave me; I’m keeping it still. What happened to always being by my side? That night you tried to die, you didn’t just take yourself away, you took...
I wish I could love you. But you’re so far away.
gone away.
I’ve been homeless again this week, sleepin’ in the van at work. I gotta get the gas tank fixed…
I’m at Butler’s tonight. I don’t know where I”ll be the next couple days.
once again, I feel like dying.
I was sleeping on the floor, and I was trying to will my life away. Just give up, lose body function, and die.
I’m sick of this.
and it’s all my fault…
I’ll be crying tonight for sure.
what the fuck am I supposed to do?
fury.
Im getting sick of people groveling and feeling sorry for themselves, stop being freaks and cheer up losers. Fuck.
Brumlow just posted that. Pretty sure it’s about me and Butts. and that makes me pissed.
He’s getting twenty thousand dollars, plus his tax return, and he’s getting his own paid-for house, which we were all supposed to live in together, and he’s saying that...
I stayed up all night, and I got to work, and I was having an excellent day, but right about in the middle of it, it just got shittier and shittier. I”m pissed the fuck off.
FUCK.
We Cannot Deny...
We Cannot Deny… What I Would Give, For Memories, That Wouldn’t Keep Me Up At Night. What I Would Give… For Memories, That Wouldn’t Keep Me Up At Night. We Cannot Deny. It’s A Shame That.. All We Have Is.. A Memory That Cannot Kill The Fear. And Get Out, Get Out, Alive.. Get Out, Get Out, Alive.. You Won’t Find Any Comfort Here. When I Begin… And I May Have Friends, Some Of...
Part of me is afraid to get close to people because I’m afraid that they’re going to leave.
When people say ‘I want to be like you’, I tell them if you want to be like me, then be yourself.
‘not only are love and hate such closely related emotions, but it’s a lot easier to hate someone you’ve cared about than someone you never have’
good idea?
I’m thinking of contacting some publishers to make a book for my poetry and maybe a few of my better short stories…
Anybody think I’m good enough to get a book published?
and does anyone know anything about going through with this?
Hey, uh, God?...
I know I don’t believe in you at all… but, uh…
will you still forgive me?
Inspiration: Part Two
I’m in the veins of inspiration.
No longer do outside forces obstruct nor distort my art.
I have found my brush, my lead, and pen.
My strokes create form and structure to that which is subtle, yet deep.
The vortex has broken and has reshaped into a river; an everflowing river with ideas that decorate the riverbed, sparkling like gold.
No longer does my canvas lie blank and still; it...
5 tags
Inspiration: Part One.
I’m on the edge of inspiration. Barely visible is that which I must make my art.
All these pieces-these little ‘pebbles’… I must build them and stack them and form them into the world I perceive.
But it escapes me.
My busy and distracted mind leaves my canvas unfinished, blank, and I only see what I have recently begun.
Where are my tools?
My brush, lead, and pen?
...
An Artist In His Worst Moments Is When He Is Most...
Well here I am.
confessions at 11:36pm.
icanneverloveyou:
I’m afraid of what people might think of me, if they really actually knew the person I am internally.
I think about this often. If anyone read my journals, I’d probably be thrown in some looney bin, where I’d be force-fed medications, surrounded by white coats and clip boards.
Sell Me Your Soul
I sense your desperation.
I hear the trembling in your sigh.
In my fist is your key to safety.
Sign here on the dotted line.
nevermore
The cross you bear is rusting.
Moral death is thriving.
When did you lose yourself?
Is it all just a trail of breadcrumbs?
They’ve stripped your threads, now that you’ve let ‘em.
What once was can it be nevermore?
‘Alas’, I sigh, as the list gets longer.
I’ve long lost my faith, my hope, my joy.
What delusion are we going by now?
——
...
inthehead
Here I lie awake in bed.
Too many thoughts inside my head.
Should I get up and flick on the light,
or lie here suffering this dark night?
secret; 050
i need to tell someone, anyone, everything. i don’t need them to care or critique, they don’t even have to listen really. just hear it.
i’ve never really been betrayed by a true friend until today.
i know what it’s like now.
it’s terrible.
i really want to run away right now more than...
I also feel like this.
new something.
I like this girl.
and for once, I’m not second guessing myself. But she lives far away…. =/
I feel disposable
And I’m a black rainbow And I’m an ape of god I got a face that’s made for violence upon And I’m a teen distortion Survived abortion A rebel from the waist down I wanna thank you mom I wanna thank you dad For bringing this fucking world to a bitter end I never really hated the “one true God” But the god of the people I hated You said you wanted evolution The ape...
alone.
anyone want to be my friend?
i don’t fucking have any.
i thought i did.
i was mistaken.
Am I the only one who wants to die, wants it to...
current news for me.
The life and trials of a Butler: Fucked plans as... →
Brumlow is being a faggot now, and wants nothing to do with me and Russell, which screws both of us, especially since Russell won’t have anywhere to live come June 1st. Just because we smoke pot, something that isn’t that bad at all, he wants to throw away 6 years of friendship and have all that…
I have no idea why this happened.
It just saddens me. I don’t know what to do.
This is just a script.
you are not in control.
you cannot disobey, you are a robot.
you will follow your label.
Pre-cognition?
Confession
I’ve started cutting again. It’s been several months, but I broke. And you know what’s wierd? Suddenly people have been asking me what’s wrong or if I’m okay. I don’t think I’m acting any different… so I dunno. It’s strange.
I wonder...
I wonder how much time I spend thinking about what other people are wondering about while they lie awake in bed just as I am?
Throw me a rope.
I wish I could save you all.
I really do.
But I barely can save myself.
Possibility.
I woke up at 1PM with the possibility of the weekend going very well.
I fucking hope it does.
I need the Scarlet Witch.
I haven’t given up on hope, but I feel it’s given up on me.
something I wish I could say to you
Our history with each other is short, but deep. Deeper than we truly let on. I hope I find someone like you again. You only gave me a taste of what I’ve been led on to think love is.
And I do not take it for granted. Not one fucking bit.
I'll look like a traveling hobo.
I’m gonna go play guitar on the streetcorner for money.
Wish me luck!!
dilemma.
i don’t think i should be allowed to like girls. girls i like, i can’t have. and girls who like me first… are fucking crazy.
2 tags
1 tag
